You have to start somewhere

Last night, I started a new chapter in my life. I gave in and went to Crossing Recovery with Katie. She has been inviting me for quite a while, but I kept putting it off and making excuses not to go. Why am I going to Corssing Recovery, you might ask. No, I'm not an addict. The most I have ever been addicted to is smoking cigarettes and I quit that almost 12 weeks ago. But the Crossing Recovery is for people with hurts, habits, and hangups. I have hurts and I am tired of hurting. I want this heart of mine to heal and recover, and that is what CR is all about. I think I put off going because I knew that in starting this process, it is going to hurt more before it gets better. Now I will have to face, dig up, and talk about all of the mental and emotional abuse that I suffered. It took me a long time, but I finally buried all that crap to where I didn't have to deal with it on a daily basis, to where I could handle (for the most part) all the issues I have. But it's time to stop just dealing with them. Although the hurts have been a dull roar in the back of my mind, they tend to flare up and kick me when I am down. I don't want to hurt anymore and that is why I started CR. Since I began attending the Crossing a year ago, I have definitely experience life change through God. Life has changed drastically for me in the best way! I have a much stronger relationship with God, and my faith is finally real to me! I don't feel like I am going through the motions anymore, and I am excited to be in church, learning about Him, and welcoming people home!
And so I begin my journey with CR. Most people that I know would have no idea why I am going to CR, but only because I became so good at hiding the hurts that I have. But let me tell you, three and a half years of emotional abuse will take it's toll on you, and here I am almost 6 year down the road and I still carry it with me. How is it that someone that I no longer love or want in my life can still have that kind of control over me? Crazy, right? I think that the only people who can possibly understand how this is possible are those who have been through the same thing. What is emotional abuse? Being called horrible names on a daily basis, being made to feel worthless, told that I am damn lucky that someone would ever want to be with me, told to choose between a man and my friends, being stripped of your everything and becoming completely dependant on another for your identity, feeling degraded and lower than low because you weren't "perfect", being yelled at because you walked through the wrong section at the store and saw the guys underwear display, finding out that your man is so disgusted with the way you look he looks at something else, finding out that your man was never faithful to you even while you carried his child. The list could go on and on, but imagine all of these things and more being your daily life. These are the thoughts that go through your mind all the time and all you want to do is crawl in bed and cry until there are no more tears and sleep until the pain goes away. So you cry yourself to sleep, but when you wake up, it's just another day and the pain is still there. You can never drink enough to make it better. This is where the mask comes in, because it's easier to mask the pain and make everyone think you are ok, you're normal, and you're not crying on the inside. Eventually, it became that dull roar in the back of my mind and it didn't bother me so much. But I still have a sense of worthlessness, even though I know I am worth something. God loves me and sent his Son to die for me. He would not have done that if I were not worthless. I mean something to God and my friends and family. But it's time to deal with the past and get over the hurts.
I haven't been blogging on a regular basis, only when there is something that I feel is worthy of writing about. I will continue that, but will include my accomplishements and struggles through my recovery. This is gonna be tough...