You have to start somewhere

Last night, I started a new chapter in my life. I gave in and went to Crossing Recovery with Katie. She has been inviting me for quite a while, but I kept putting it off and making excuses not to go. Why am I going to Corssing Recovery, you might ask. No, I'm not an addict. The most I have ever been addicted to is smoking cigarettes and I quit that almost 12 weeks ago. But the Crossing Recovery is for people with hurts, habits, and hangups. I have hurts and I am tired of hurting. I want this heart of mine to heal and recover, and that is what CR is all about. I think I put off going because I knew that in starting this process, it is going to hurt more before it gets better. Now I will have to face, dig up, and talk about all of the mental and emotional abuse that I suffered. It took me a long time, but I finally buried all that crap to where I didn't have to deal with it on a daily basis, to where I could handle (for the most part) all the issues I have. But it's time to stop just dealing with them. Although the hurts have been a dull roar in the back of my mind, they tend to flare up and kick me when I am down. I don't want to hurt anymore and that is why I started CR. Since I began attending the Crossing a year ago, I have definitely experience life change through God. Life has changed drastically for me in the best way! I have a much stronger relationship with God, and my faith is finally real to me! I don't feel like I am going through the motions anymore, and I am excited to be in church, learning about Him, and welcoming people home!
And so I begin my journey with CR. Most people that I know would have no idea why I am going to CR, but only because I became so good at hiding the hurts that I have. But let me tell you, three and a half years of emotional abuse will take it's toll on you, and here I am almost 6 year down the road and I still carry it with me. How is it that someone that I no longer love or want in my life can still have that kind of control over me? Crazy, right? I think that the only people who can possibly understand how this is possible are those who have been through the same thing. What is emotional abuse? Being called horrible names on a daily basis, being made to feel worthless, told that I am damn lucky that someone would ever want to be with me, told to choose between a man and my friends, being stripped of your everything and becoming completely dependant on another for your identity, feeling degraded and lower than low because you weren't "perfect", being yelled at because you walked through the wrong section at the store and saw the guys underwear display, finding out that your man is so disgusted with the way you look he looks at something else, finding out that your man was never faithful to you even while you carried his child. The list could go on and on, but imagine all of these things and more being your daily life. These are the thoughts that go through your mind all the time and all you want to do is crawl in bed and cry until there are no more tears and sleep until the pain goes away. So you cry yourself to sleep, but when you wake up, it's just another day and the pain is still there. You can never drink enough to make it better. This is where the mask comes in, because it's easier to mask the pain and make everyone think you are ok, you're normal, and you're not crying on the inside. Eventually, it became that dull roar in the back of my mind and it didn't bother me so much. But I still have a sense of worthlessness, even though I know I am worth something. God loves me and sent his Son to die for me. He would not have done that if I were not worthless. I mean something to God and my friends and family. But it's time to deal with the past and get over the hurts.
I haven't been blogging on a regular basis, only when there is something that I feel is worthy of writing about. I will continue that, but will include my accomplishements and struggles through my recovery. This is gonna be tough...

Welcome to My Silly Life

Today was nothing out of the ordinary, but I still feel like there is something in this day that merits a blog post. After all, I started this blog so that others would learn something from my life experiences. So what could there possibly be to learn from today? That even on these ordinary, not so special days, there is ALWAYS an opportunity to affect someone else's life. How many people did I speak to today? I honestly have no idea. I was at the office with my co-workers, downtown to pick up a building permit, Chipotle for lunch, got my nails done, went to Cub and Chalet Liquor and then home. It is possible that I spoke to or saw close to 50 people today. And how many did I impact? My goal, as a leader at the Crossing, is to Thrill & Move: Thrill believers with spiritual truth and Move seekers one step closer to a relationship with Jesus. Did I accomplish that today? Not as well as I would have liked to. On the other hand, I believe that the changes I have made in my life in the past few months have begun to show at work. I am constantly inviting my co-workers to church and might see one or two at church this weekend for Easter! But what can I do differently on a daily basis to be an example of what a Christian is to everyone I see? Oh yea, and I would like to do this without sounding like a crazy, BibleThumper? This could be tricky!

So all this to say that even on the seemingly boring, ordinary days, there are still lives that can be impacted. We meet random people everyday and you never know how your actions may affect them today, next week, or somewhere else down the road. This is why I want to be conscious of my every action that I make and word that I speak and make them count.

Patience is a what now?

Have you ever wanted something that you knew you were going to get, but had to wait for it? And this something or somethings that you want(ed), did you have to wait for what seemed like a really long time? Yea? Ok, wel then I am not the only one. I am so impatient for two somethings that I really really really want, but have to be PATIENT!!! Oooohh this is hard! The two somethings I want: get married and have more babies. These two somethings rely on my significant other. Wait, back up a minute. First, I rely on God and His timetable, which is usually longer than my timetable. I have prayed and prayed about this and God knows my heart. The Bible says in Psalms 34:7 that He will give me the desires of my heart and Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. He knows the desires of my heart, it is just a matter of His timing. And then there is my significant other, Steve. We had a little chat the other day. Well, actually two chats come to think of it. Started the talk on Thursday night and it did not go well. I didn't word my question(s) very well and the conversation did not end well. Tried again the next night and things went much better. Steve and I are on the same page and definitely want the same things (get married and have kids). So that is good. Again, there is the matter of the timetable, mine is shorter than Steve's. Why am I so dang impatient for something that will happen anyway? I have to keep telling myself that we will have the rest of our lives together to be married and all that jazz. Yea, doesn't make it that much easier. But just knowing that we are more or less on the same page has eased my mind so much. There have been times I have questioned this, but it was so good to be able to have that conversation with Steve and be able to share our thoughts, opinions, hopes, and dreams with each other. We don't do that a lot and I am thinking that should change. I realize that he is a guy and most guys don't share their feelings very often, but it's nice to be able to get inside each other's heads a little bit. Like Steve said, I still want him to be my best friend in 20 years. Can't do that without talking to each other all the time. Looks like I still need to improve my communication skills...

Help Wanted

Over the past year, I have noticed that Serenity has been having problems with certain things. She has acted out and been extremely disobedient, had a bad temper for days on end for what seemed to be no good reason, been pouty and crabby, difficult, whiney, and over all not the little girl she used to be. Steve and I tried many different things to discourage this behavior and to figure out what the underlying issues were that would cause such behavior. It was even more frustrating because it seemed like these issues were coming out of nowhere and we could not understand how she could have gone from such a happy girl to one who was so unhappy and cranky all the time. Some of it began when we were living in Bloomington with my friend, her husband and their two kids. I do not blame them in any way whatsoever, but I think the situation became overwhelming for Serenity. For the first time in her life, we were not living with my parents and instead of sharing a room with me, she was sharing a room with my friends daughter (who is about a year older than Serenity), and sharing her toys and space with other kids on a daily basis. This was completely new to Serenity, she was not given a choice in the matter, and was basically expected by me and my friend that the two girls become friends overnight. For the last 2 months that I lived in Bloomington, I gave up on putting Serenity to bed in her own bed because I knew that in the middle of the night, she was going to crawl into bed with me anyway. And I really didn't mind because I had this big queen sized bed all to myself and it was kinda nice to see her little face first thing in the morning :)
At any rate, by the time Serenity was sleeping in my bed every night, I was looking for a place of my own. A friend of mine suggested I look at foreclosed homes because the monthly mortgage payment would probably be lower than rent for an apartment. And I found the perfect house, had a roommate, and had started an old relationship over again. Steve and I knew that it would probably take a month or two for Serenity to adjust to the new house and the fact that she had her own room now (which she had been asking for) and she had more of her own space. But still the crabbiness and the disobedience continued. This is where Steve and I had to try new methods to control the bad behavior. Some worked for a while, but we still could not uncover the underlying issue(s) and we were just completely frustrated and confused. And then the parenting time changed to alternating weeks instead of 4 days here and 3 days at her dads house. That was not what I wanted initially, but I actually have more time with Serenity than I did before. And then Serenity began to tell me that she did not want to go to her dad's house at all. This was a change. Then her dad had a new baby, who was born on Serenity's birthday. As was recently pointed out to me, "No way to tell your daughter she is being replaced like having your new kid born on HER birthday." I could not have put it better myself. I believe this is where I started to realize that the underlying reason for Serenity's misbehavior were because of things that were going on at her father's house. That maybe she was not getting the attention she needed there and was continuing to act out with me and Steve. So we met with a counselor yesterday. Because Serenity does not vocalize her emotions very well, she gave us some homework and things to work on at home to teach Serenity to speak her mind, vocalize what bothers her or makes her happy, and understand what is going on in that pretty head of hers. Because it was an initial meeting, our counselor was able to dig too deep with Serenity, but we did learn some things. For example, she does not feel that her dad pays her enough attention and is jealous of the new baby. In a 6 year old's mind, this is completely justified, even if it comes out sounding selfish. By using the 2 methods of increasing communication with Serenity, we hope to accomplish 2 things: 1) Teach Serenity to open up about her emotions, 2) Have Serenity be so used to expressing herself in this manner that it comes out at her dad's house and he either gives in and gives her the attention she needs or gives up and gives me the parenting time I want. I am curious to see how this works and what the counselor will say when we meet with her again. I just want my little girl to feel happy, safe, and loved, no matter where she is. I don't think that is too much to ask at this point.

Who knew...

When I think about myself, the things I do, and the way I am, I don't see myself as extraordinary or anything. So it absolutely blows me away when people tell me that I am their best friend, that they consider me family, that I have been a good influence on them (especially since it was just in the past few months that I have really turned my life over to God), that I have impressed them, and so on. Really? Me? I did that? Huh... I just love the people that I have kept in my life and thank God that He brought them to me! But to hear the good things that people say about me is a little embarrassing sometimes. Shoot, gotta say this before I go any further: I am NOT writing this to make myself feel better, get compliments, or anything else! This is to thank the people in my life who have influenced me, that have accepted me as family, and that have trusted me in so many ways!
A few examples:
1. Take my friend Nicole. I have known her for like 12 years or so (maybe more?). Her mom has been my second mom for who knows how long and they have adopted me into the family. Am I the only one that has been adopted? No, not at all. But I still feel pretty frickin special that I can call Nicole my sister and her mom Mom.
2. Next is Katie and I have known her for about 6 years now. We weren't close at first and our only connection was the fact that we were teen moms and then single moms after we divorced our husbands. We both grew up being told that divorce is not an option. But when you are being physically and emotionally abused, I believe that divorce IS an option and we both got through that. Over the past few years, we have grown closer as friends and we trust each other so much now. I am proud to call her my friend and have been blessed to be one of a few that has welcomed her home as a beautiful daughter of the King! She finally has that sparkle back in her eyes and I feel so lucky to be a part of her life! Not mention our daughters are best friends! :)
3. I have been serving on the SIT team at my church. More or less, I am an usher. I didn't take serving on the SIT team very seriously at first and to be honest, was kinda flaky about it. I think I was only doing it because I felt like I had to, like I was obligated. Now, I love my SIT team! About a month ago, I asked Diana, head of the Sunday SIT team, if I could train to be a Head Host and she was thrilled! Now that I have been Head Host for about amonth, Diana has asked me to be her apprentice! What? Me? Head of the SIT team? I didn't even have to think about saying Yes!!! I am so excited! But what got me was that Diana told me that she has been thinking about asking me for a while to be her apprentice. Really? Just wow...

There are many more people who have said things that really made me feel more important that I feel I am, but I would end up writing a book if I listed them all. After a stressful weekend, I think I really needed that confidence booster!

Stupid...

This is the only word that could possibly describe certain people right now. Stupid. I was really hoping to avoid venting about these people, but it just cannot be avoided as they have been on my nerves all week! They make assumptions about me, have their "friends" spy on me via Facebook (which apparently has been going on for quite some time), call me a bad mother, make it quite clear to me that I am nothing more than the one who gave birth to my daughter, keep Serenity out of school for BS reasons, and threaten me with court. It is so so so hard to not yell and scream and curse at them like I really want to, but that would accomplish nothing except getting into a yelling match that would go nowhere. All I can do is be as polite as humanly possible and throw in a little sarcasm when necessary. Oh, but wait, my sarcasm apparently means that I am flirting and that must mean that I am still in love with someone, right?! OMG!!! NO!!! It most certainly does not! Get over yourself, I did about 6 years ago WHEN I LEFT YOU AND FILED FOR DIVORCE!!! This is still not a good enough indication for someone that I am over them and have no feelings for them. Dense male ego says what?! Oh and your "girlfriend" does not now nor will she ever have any sort of custody of MY daughter and you are seriously mistaken if you think otherwise! So please, stop threatening me with court because it will get you nowhere. YOU do not make the decisions about going to court, custody, or anything else in regard to my daughter. So shut the hell up, already! I have nothing nice to say to you, and like my mama said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Ugh exes and their girlfriends suck!

That being said, I honestly cannot wait for the day that I never have to speak to that boy again. Yes, I said boy bc until he starts acting like a man, he will not earn that title. Waiting for the day when I have full custody and don't have to deal with baby daddy's crap anymore bc this is ridiculous!

And now I feel better. Kind of...