The Naked Truth

Ok, now that I have started this blog 3 or 4 times, I am pretty sure I have completely lost my train of thought. Wonderful... Well, anyway, here it goes. It has been said, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. And I have, several times. And every time, I get thrown a curve ball and things change. I think the last "change" started about 2 years ago. I was engaged and my fiance was serving in Iraq. In the middle of the tour, he broke it off with me. I was heartbroken, lost, hurt, and confused. It took a couple weeks, but I started to move on, got stronger, and was more determined than ever to get a full time job, move out of my parents house, and be successful. And I did. And then he came back into my life. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that Steve would ever be in my life again. I had moved on and was ok being single. No, better than ok. I realized that I would not have changed to be the woman I became had I not had that time to be alone. But it took me so long to figure that out. So yes, Steve was back in my life once again, but this time we were just friends. And I was totally ok with that and thought it was good for us to just be friends. I slowly realized that I still loved this man. Yet, I couldn't let him know because I was scared to admit it to him and myself. Fast forward a few months. Bought a house and we moved in together. Life was good, most of the time. Had good times, but a lot of fights and it was starting to feel like we were drifting back to old habits. Something was off and I knew it, but I ignored the thoughts because I was once again scared to be alone. As much as I loved this man, I just wasn't head over heals in love like I used to be, like I wanted to be. There were days I just wanted to stay in bed and ignore the world, curl up in a ball and cry till I couldn't cry anymore. I was so tired of feeling hurt and ignored and my heart was breaking. Again. And that has brought us to the present. So where am I now? In the hands of God is where I am. I finally gave it all to God and said, "Help me! Heal me! I can't do this anymore! I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to live for you, God, and not like I have in the past. I want it to be real this time." It was on week 2 of ineed2change (series at my church) that my friend Katie and I were baptized and I really believe that was another turning point in my life. Yes, I was baptized when I was younger, but only because I felt like I was "supposed to". This time, I went public with my faith. This series also gave me the final "nudge" that I needed to quit smoking and I am so glad I did! Now you are probably asking, "Ok Manda, what does being baptized and praying to God have to do with anything?" It has EVERYTHING to do with it! Like my pastor says, it is always only about Jesus. He has changed my life and made me whole again, healed me of my depression, and given me the courage to speak my mind. There are days that are still rough, but not nearly as hard as before. And what about Steve and I? We get a little bit stronger as a couple every day. It was a few weeks ago that I told him that I needed certain things from him and if he could not promise them to me, that I could not be with him anymore. I didn't get the answer I wanted right away. In fact, I was quite certain that I had broken up with him. But he won't let me give up. He promised me the things I needed and has been working hard everyday to be the man I always knew he could me. He goes to church with me every Sunday that he can. He tells me I am beautiful. And I love him more than I ever have. It was a heart change for both of us. It has been a long, and sometimes hard, 5 years for us. Some days, I cannot believe that we have known each other that long and some days, I feel like I have known him all my life. Steve has been in Texas since Thursday morning and comes home in a few hours and I am pretty sure that these next 2 hours are going to take FOREVER!!! 

Well, there you have it. A short and sweet history of me and Steve. Lesson learned for today: God is always right there waiting for you. He wants to come into your life, give you the life change you need, and bless your life beyond what you could hope or imagine. This is what He has done for me and I am forever grateful!